Category Archives: Satire

Why Extreme Evoboost Will Break Everything Ever In The History Of Everything

by NewGame+

So we already know that Eevee is the toughest shit that makes the girls wet and turns the boys into men. There was no way that a bloodthirsty, ruthless, savage killer could become any more bad ass and cool without wearing a Letterman jacket and driving his Mustang straight into the principal’s asshole. But, soft! Through what light does yonder Z-Move break? It was revealed that Eevee will get a special Z-move in the upcoming Pokemon Sun and Moon games releasing in November. The move is called Extreme Evoboost, and allows Eevee to call upon Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart. With those powers combined, he uses Extreme Evoboost to double all of his stats. It’s like Ancientpower, if Ancientpower wasn’t bullshit and didn’t suck.

After this reveal, the entire community started losing their God damned minds, and with good reason;  I mean, how isn’t a move like Extreme Evoboost going to break the metagame forever? Game Freaks stocks plummeted 20,001% upon announcement, and sent Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, Disney, MONSANTO, INTERPOL, and the sovereign nation of Azerbaijan into a frenzy.

Everything’s all better now, though.

So let’s take a look  at how exactly this will completely break the meta ’til the end of time:

Eevee has  monstrous 55/50/65 base stats for bulk, allowing it to eat up literally every attack thrown at it; nothing can stop this thing once it’s gotten started. Oh, what’s that? What about Close Combat? Bitch, please. Eevee eats that shit for a snack; every Lucario that’s thrown a CC Eevee’s way could do nothing else but blush and turn away at the pure masculinity of Eevee’s being. I even went ahead and calc’d that shit to save you the time:

252 Atk Adaptability Mega Lucario Close Combat vs. 0 HP / 0- Def Eevee: 0-1 (0.0 – 0.5%) –0.01% chance to 200HKO

See? The science is there. Don’t question it.

After using Super Hyper Ultra Extreme Evoboost Turbo Remix II, Eevee is now free to either bring absolute devastation on this insignificant realm, or he can pass that shit to the left using Baton Pass. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Any smelly old taunt user can prevent Eevee from doing any such thing”. Well, pussyfart, that’s where you’re wrong, since Eevee naturally emanates Taunt itself, thereby taunting the taunters from taunting a taunt. So it’s free to do whatever whatever it God damn pleases, and they’re ain’t shit you can do about it. Bitch.

So, in short, Extreme Evoboost is the second coming of Jesus H. Christ himself. Eevee shall absorb all existence into itself and create a massive hivemind being that shall tear asunder all realities, and all realms shall know the true face of terror.

Eevee’s comin’.

And we’re too late to stop it.

September30, 2016